Midnight Calls

ch12My body is fragile
Crack me open
at the seam in my
Ribcage, like
a damp wafer – watch
the strawberry blood
cake in exposed air.

How many midnight calls,
and dinnertime
can a heart
take before the valves
wear thin
And the tell tale tingle
moves up my arm?

Doctor’s orders:
I can’t lift
this weight
Give me something lighter.
Second thought:
Don’t give me anything at all.


sp2When it’s my time
I want to know:
what it feels like

There are opportunities
for second chances, but
this isn’t one.

I want to know
what it was like,
before the morphine
drip, dripping

And the rockabye

I woke up in the
world screaming
What is it like
to end?


anguishAnguish by Malaquias Montoya

It’s not about gun control or letting kids “keep their childhoods” or pointing fingers. It’s about allowing ourselves to grieve – fully – for very real heartbreak, for immense suffering. I’m beginning to think people talk these kinds of things to death to numb themselves. Don’t change the subject. Bathe in it. Take it in. Force yourself to recognize and feel the immeasurable darkness of tragedy.

And read this, too.


They say that moving can be just as traumatic as a death in the family.

The 12 hour drive was the longest one I’ve made as the sole driver of my vehicle. Five people and three mice stayed in one hotel room the night before we got here. And then the unpacking began. At one point, 8 people in total were helping unload the Uhaul. I am grateful for the help, but it can be very overwhelming to enter a new stage in your life suddenly and to have nowhere to flee for a moment of screaming or weeping or thinking. And to be hundreds of miles away from your female best friend. And to be married to someone who’s busy enjoying the moment when all you can do is see the desolation you’ve caused by moving in the first place.

To be fair to my new home city, Charlottesville is wonderful. There are a lot of thriving local businesses and cool things to do. Rich American history surrounds us, as do the Blue Ridge Mountains. The thrift stores are nice, there are a wide variety of retail stores not available in Tallahassee, and they even have a restaurant dedicated to soup (I love soup).

But it’s hard to pick up and move. And I think it needs to be shared, honestly and without forced happiness. I’m sure I’ll have some happy, hopeful posts, but for now, I need to be honest with myself about my reality, get through the grief, heal, and move forward.