week in a list

  1. The online business experienced a high point this week, for which I am quite thankful. If you need to update your wardrobe, you should take a look
  2. My manager asked me to take some photos of the shop for the company website. Although I didn’t get paid anything extra (apart from photographing on the clock), I’m excited that I had the opportunity to dabble in commercial photography (I have previously only done portraiture or product photos for my own business).
  3. The weather makes everything better. Today, everyone downtown whipped out their boots for their first wear of the season. A friend once told me that fragrance travels farther (or at least we can smell it better) when the humidity drops. I theorize that that’s why we’re hit by a wave of nostalgia in the fall and spring; scent is one of the strongest memory inducers. Alternately, we’re just all relieved to be able to walk outside in a single layer of clothing and feel perfectly comfortable.
  4. Daniel and I explored midtown today. It’s where all the cool people are. Charlottesville pleasantly surprised me again when we discovered they have a local food market and an organic, locally farmed butcher shop!
  5. A middle aged, male customer told me I have nice skin today. I could feel creeped out, but let’s be honest: when people say they are creeped out by compliments, they are just covering up their elation at having received one.
  6. We hung out with some of Daniel’s colleagues at Mellow Mushroom last night. It was less awkward for me than I anticipated (when you’re a non-student among students, it can be difficult to add to the conversation).

time and season

I wrote this in May, but I feel that sense of nostalgia – of hope and loss – now, too. 

Your limbs half bare
in May
in Florida
Resisting summer
or too lazy, or
dying?

Your limbs grew wild
outstretched and crooked
in those early
days before you
really
knew
you were alive

Do you regret
  the growing over
time and season?

Do you regret bearing
children on your arms
and standing still
when storms, surely
hundreds now,
washed over you?

Perhaps it’s too
much, and too
hard
to grow back,
bring back,
all that you lost
again,
and over ag-
ain.

lately.

Things have settled into a rhythm of relative normalcy lately. Work, church, pick Daniel up from school, thrift, eat, clean. It’s not bad, but I don’t want to get stuck. We still have a lot to see and do in Charlottesville and we need to prioritize exploring over sleeping in, I think.

We’ve become regular church-goers again after a year long hiatus. I had little hope of finding a church full of friendly people with which I could be open and honest about my beliefs, doubts, and criticisms. In Tallahassee, we seemed to find one or the other, but not both. Or it’d be a Goldilocks situation: we were too liberal for many churches (theologically and politically) and too conservative for others. Here, so far, we feel just right. The members in our age group are almost all Religious Studies nerds, too, so we have a lot to talk about. Charlottesville is a well-educated city, which makes for a positive daily environment and promotes many thoughtful conversations. Thomas Jefferson would be proud.

September here apparently signals an almost immediate turn to fall. Although a few more days in the low 80s have been forecast for the month, summer is clearly departing. I’m excited, as the season change is supposed to be incredibly beautiful. And my new boots should be arriving any day now.

I’ve been working hard to make my online store a success, and I’m seeing positive results so far. I really like where I am in terms of work. The coffee shop atmosphere is a positive one and working for myself on the side is empowering.

I also signed up for adult ballet classes at the local Rec center! One of my short term goals was to start taking ballet. I’m surprised that it actually happened. I tend to make plans and then excuse myself from them.

Life is good here. I have days of loneliness and doubt, moments of sadness, but I can see and appreciate all the blessings. Moving has been good to us.

one month in C-Ville

Yesterday marked the one month-iversary of our new life in Charlottesville. It’s incredible how quickly time has flown already. In most ways, Charlottesville already feels like home. But there are still loose ends to tie: settling into a church, unpacking and organizing the final traces of our move, finding a consistent group of friends to hang out with, and switching over my license and registration.

Jennifer (my old neighbor) and I reunited

In one month, I (and sometimes Daniel):

  • traveled over 12, stressful hours on rural streets and highways
  • visited every grocery store chain in town (and still can’t find one as delightful as Publix)
  • perused at least 7 antique shops
  • bought an armchair and a vintage mirror
  • bought a dozen or so books from local stores
  • ate at Bodo’s Bagels 4 times
  • interviewed for four jobs
  • changed my mind about my immediate career goals
  • got a job I love (for once)
  • visited UVA
  • felt consistently nauseous (it’s finally subsiding)
  • stretched fabric across a canvas and made two photo canvases and three pillow cases
  • bought pet rats (Surprise! I haven’t told very many people yet)
  • watched the meteor shower on a farm while listening to acoustic improvisation
  • assembled book cases
  • celebrated a birthday (Daniel’s)
  • saw a Bluegrass legend in concert
  • ate lots of delicious food
  • visited three churches
  • freaked out, a lot
  • revamped my vintage store
  • made some friends
  • toured the neighborhood
  • saw Obama in person
  • visited with a friend I haven’t seen since high school

I know – and fear – that as time inches along, I’ll stop caring about the little accomplishments, struggles, and tasks I experience each month; they’ll be compacted into a small blurb on the timeline of my life. But, looking over this list, I feel quite proud of how far we’ve come in one month. Moving, especially hundreds of miles away from your previous life, brings uncertainty – about identity, financial security, relationships. But I’ve reflected lately that moving away from an identity that is created for you over days and months and years creates a space for renewed liberty, a wider sphere of choice. I have a chance here to present myself and identify myself based upon who I am and what I believe and what interests me now without fear of rattling someone’s preconceived notions of who I am. I can take pride in what I have achieved. I can say to myself, “You are good enough,” for the first time in a year. The challenge will be to push toward that level of freedom and self-understanding as we scatter presuppositions and misunderstandings along our path in Charlottesville. What I’ve learned here in the last month is that we do have the power to change our lives. In fact, the daily task of life is simply making choices and living with them.

I have a 20-something brain

For the past couple of weeks, I have found myself barely able to keep food down.

I vomited, inexplicably, last Thursday. In the middle of each meal, I have to stop eating, faced with another wave of nausea. This morning, I’m pondering whether to drink my coffee and attempt to get on with my day or go back to sleep to ease the discomfort.

I know the source of my physical pain is anxiety. A big, overwhelming pile of it. About finding friends, navigating this town correctly, finances, performing well in my new job, hearing word about the other job I interviewed for, finding a lasting and meaningful career, feeling content, maintaining intellectual drive, making the most of things, staying in contact with the ones I love, learning an instrument, singing again – getting to a point where I feel like a success rather than a confused, dead-beat, disappointment.

I know that nothing is resolved by worrying. I know that my current circumstances are much more positive than they could be. I know that nothing is actually wrong. But as much as I tell myself that, as much as it has become my internal chant – my prayer – the physical signs of stress won’t leave me.

I read an article this morning about the developing, 20-something brain, which relieved my mind (to some extent), though not my stomach. The adult brain doesn’t fully develop until the mid to late 20s and there are much higher rates of anxiety, suicide, and general recklessness among early 20-somethings than in most other age groups, likely due to increased expectations to succeed as a well-formed individual in adult society while still trying to connect and disconnect synapses, take in information, and, in a cognitive sense, find oneself.

There is a scientific and social cause for anxiety at my age. But it doesn’t make it easier to bear. I face my own high expectations and negative self-talk on a daily basis. It’s time to practice being content with daily success, no matter how small. Of course, saying it and doing it are quite different things.

movie recommendations

We’ve watched a few enjoyable movies lately. The thing that struck me most about all of them is that they presented an ethical message – a practical purpose for the narrative.

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  • Take This Waltz: (Michelle Williams, Seth Rogen); Williams’ character writes for a tourism agency and her husband is a budding chef. The movie follows her through marital and personal doubt. The characters and their anxieties are easy to identify with and the message is an important one. I also really enjoyed the cinematography. If you prefer to avoid sexual content and nudity, you should be aware that there is plenty in the film. You should watch it anyway.
  • Bernie: (Jack Black); Bernie is the (sort of) true story of a beloved citizen of a small Texas town. I know my description is vague, but I went into it having no idea what it was about and I think that made everything much more exciting. I love Jack Black, and this role, although comedic, is more nuanced than many roles he’s played. It reminds me of a short story we read in my Narrative Ethics class; it does an excellent job of exposing how thoroughly narrative can alter our worldviews.
  • The Five Year Engagement: (Jason Segel, Emily Blunt); The film was written and produced by Segel. As the title suggests, the narrative rests on the premise of a five year long engagement, examining why engagements can last such a long time and how they affect a couple. It’s a comedy, but like most contemporary comedies, it has a fair dose of trauma and desperation. The film offers a similar message to Take This Waltz.

It’s refreshing when filmmakers understand their role in creating and informing our morality. All three films are contemplative and realistic. All acknowledge that people are imperfect, that lives are messy and complicated, that, though we may not deserve it, we all need forgiveness.

identity

I heard a homily lately that indicated that times of crisis or severe anxiety occur when our carefully curated identities – our senses of confidence – are broken down by life circumstances, by inescapable change. Sometimes the things that shape who we are can become all we consider ourselves to be. We’re more than that, and I think it helps to remember at the end of the day that we can let go of our advertised selves or supposed identities and still be alive and capable of enjoying the things that make our lives so rich.

Dr. Ralph Stanley: a bluegrass experience

Last night, Daniel and I went to see bluegrass legend, Dr. Ralph Stanley, and his Clinch Mountain Boys in an intimate venue in downtown Staunton, Virginia.

I didn’t know much about the history of bluegrass until I watched the documentary, High Lonesome: The Story of Bluegrass Music, with Daniel the other day. Bluegrass is an amalgamation of folk music traditions, drawing most heavily on Irish traditional music brought over by Scots-Irish immigrants who settled in the Appalachian mountains in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. Later on, these poor white southerners were influenced by the syncopated rhythms of African music and bluegrass began to develop into its own genre. Bill Monroe is considered the founder of bluegrass, but the Stanley Brothers took up the sound and feel of bluegrass shortly afterward.

Ralph Stanley has been composing and performing bluegrass music for 66 years. He’s now 85 years old. He has inspired decades of musicians and musical traditions.

We sat in a small dining room with no more than 100 people. Stanley was visibly under-the-weather, sitting on a chair surrounded by his band. After about two songs, he explained that he’d recently been hospitalized and wasn’t supposed to be performing. He didn’t want to let down his fans, he said, so he checked out early and came anyway. His body wasn’t strong enough to sing or play, so he transferred the lead to his grandson, Nathan Stanley.

Ralph Stanley made sure to sing one song all the way through: his Grammy award-winning rendition of “O, Death,” from the Oh Brother, Where Art Thou soundtrack. Hearing the words, “Oh death, won’t you spare me over til another year,” coming from an ill, 85 year old about did me in. He’s supposed to make a full recovery, but the pleading now seems real. I was only able to capture a small portion of the solo, but I think it’s worth a listen.

 

Bluegrass has a peculiar, holy quality. It is moaning and dancing. There is much talk about death and misfortune and industrialization. But there’s a grounded joy underneath it all. An understanding that suffering is not the end – that if we just sing loud enough and play with feeling and believe in God we can elevate ourselves to something better.

The music I listened to last night made me feel like I do on the high swings at the fair in November, my eyes closed, aware of my body, aware of myself, but also aware of more. Literally and figuratively elevated, apart from the trudging task of daily life, understanding in my gut that I am fundamentally a part of a living, torrential natural world.

all good things

(source)

Meteor shower viewing party:

  • a farm in the mountainous countryside
  • a vast field
  • watching dusk turn into night
  • a black German Shepherd
  • a good, old-fashioned campfire
  • salads made from home-grown vegetables
  • guitars, a mandolin, and a banjo
  • a full view of summer constellations (it’s been too long since I’ve gazed upward)
  • ghost stories and history lessons
  • lightning bugs
  • friendly people

Last night contained all the best parts of living. I couldn’t help but feel at peace listening to the varied strum of five stringed instruments, the sound of humming, of quiet conversation, the panting of a dog. I couldn’t help but feel fine looking up at the vastness of a twinkling night sky.

knots

My stomach has been tangled in all sorts of hard-to-untangle knots all day. I believed it was due to my interview/training today, but the aches were too angry to be caused by just that.

Andrea pointed out that it’s probably just build up from a whole week of striving and confusion and panic and uncertainty. Like when you leave a pile of necklaces in your jewelry box for months and then open it one day to find 12 unfathomable knots through the chains.

But I don’t really know how to undo mine in one careful session. I just hope the kinks will work themselves out.

In other news, my “lite duty” staple gun arrived in the mail today! I felt victorious when I saw it on the doorstep. Even though I could have been sewing pillow cases or mod podging photos onto canvas this whole week, I decided that the fabric stretching would be my first project. Now that I’m all set, however, I’m second guessing myself. Even simple crafts make me nervous, it seems.

Daniel and I met up with one of our acquaintances (who we know through several people but haven’t ever hung out with) for dinner. He’s a really nice guy! It’s good to know we’re not completely isolated from friendly faces.

exploring

Today, after a successful meeting with possible employers at a local shop, Daniel and I headed out for an afternoon of exploring Charlottesville.

Our first stop was Bodo’s Bagels, a local favorite, where Daniel had the lox and I had tuna salad on a garlic bagel. It was delicious and both of our meals combined were $10.00.

A woman from the shop this morning recommended an antique store called Circa, which turned out to be full of gems. Despite the fact that they had hundreds of items, it was well curated (and well priced). We bought a nice vinyl arm chair and then headed out to explore the surrounding shops (reluctantly – if we could have, we would have bought the place out).

We happened upon a shop called Carpe Donut and bought a donut and an iced cider to share. Since the donut she gave us was small, she voluntarily gave us a second one for free! People are so nice around here!

After having a wonderful chat with the owner of the local Wild Birds Unlimited, we went to The Bookroom, a local used bookstore, to check out their stock. By the time we got home, our armchair was being delivered by two deceptively strong women from the antique shop.

I’m so thankful that my mom helped me get the duplex in shape yesterday so that I can feel a bit more at ease in my new home. Knowing I can come home to artwork on the walls, food in the fridge, and clothes properly placed in the closet helps me get motivated to explore. Charlottesville is pretty great so far.

away

They say that moving can be just as traumatic as a death in the family.

The 12 hour drive was the longest one I’ve made as the sole driver of my vehicle. Five people and three mice stayed in one hotel room the night before we got here. And then the unpacking began. At one point, 8 people in total were helping unload the Uhaul. I am grateful for the help, but it can be very overwhelming to enter a new stage in your life suddenly and to have nowhere to flee for a moment of screaming or weeping or thinking. And to be hundreds of miles away from your female best friend. And to be married to someone who’s busy enjoying the moment when all you can do is see the desolation you’ve caused by moving in the first place.

To be fair to my new home city, Charlottesville is wonderful. There are a lot of thriving local businesses and cool things to do. Rich American history surrounds us, as do the Blue Ridge Mountains. The thrift stores are nice, there are a wide variety of retail stores not available in Tallahassee, and they even have a restaurant dedicated to soup (I love soup).

But it’s hard to pick up and move. And I think it needs to be shared, honestly and without forced happiness. I’m sure I’ll have some happy, hopeful posts, but for now, I need to be honest with myself about my reality, get through the grief, heal, and move forward.

getting there

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We’re only 5 or so boxes and a pantry sorting party away from being completely packed. It still feels overwhelming in here – stacks of boxes consume our small living room and every time I try to walk somewhere I inevitably snag my foot or leg against a box or a Goodwill donation. We’re donating three more bags of miscellaneous items, 3 book shelves, and an old TV to Goodwill on Monday. It feels really good to know that we have managed to get rid of all that plus at least 5 bags of trash and 4 bags I donated a few weeks ago. I feel like such a hoarder. Why have I held onto every piece of paper I’ve acquired since high school? I even found my career placement handbook from the 8th grade.

Every time I move, I promise myself that I’ll sort and organize better the next time around. But this time I’m being honest with myself; I will still inadvertently hoard small items. Hopefully I’ll manage to develop a clearer organization system.

I’m very excited to get to unpacking and decorating at the new place. I just need a few book cases, a long table or desk, some curtain rods, paint, and a lot of RIT dye to get my projects started.

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recollections

We move in a week.

Daniel and I both feel a sort of stagnant anxiety. The move is inevitable. It is approaching quickly. We have a lot to do.

I’ve lived in Florida for almost 14 years – that’s most of my life. I never didn’t like it, but I’ve grown to love it – particularly its nature – passionately, especially within the past few years. There is so much beauty here. A hummingbird just came to our porch! A baby manatee was less than 5 feet away from me at Wakulla Springs yesterday. I used to see otters play in the lake by our house. Tallahassee is full of quiet canopy roads and hidden parks. The Florida Caverns are some of the most ornate caves in the United States. Torreya State Park boasts a view that makes you feel like you’re in the foothills of a mountain range.

I have always felt most at peace when I look out to appreciate natural beauty. I know Charlottesville has it, too, and it will probably overwhelm me. The beauty of Tallahassee and of Florida in general have served as a daily reminder that I am blessed, that the world holds wonder still.

Tallahassee has changed me more than any other location, mostly because it held my growing-up years. I was just reflecting with a friend that when you go off to college you don’t realize, at least not on an emotional level, that you will never return to home life as it was. Tallahassee became more than just the place I attended college, it became my home. I’ve lived here 5 years. Within that time, I lived alone for the first time, navigated classes and roads, led student organizations, lost and made friends, lost faith and gained it, had my first kiss, cried deeply, laughed heartily, got married, rented an apartment, graduated, saw my friends fall in love, worked odd jobs, learned custom framing, and experienced the heaviness of post-grad life. I was challenged. I failed and succeeded. I learned compassion and forgiveness and pain. These have been hard years and wonderful years.

A quiet excitement is beginning to surface. I never intended to spend my whole life here. If I’m going to move, I’m glad it’s Charlottesville, a place consistently rated as one of the best places to live in the United States. I’m happy to live near the Blue Ridge mountains. I’m happy that Daniel and I get to go together. I’m happy for another starting-over point – a time for reinvention and introspection and speculation about things to come.

I think we need to be woken up by landmark life changes. I needed to know that the move was coming to realize how much I have, and how much I’ll miss. In the past few months, I have finally gotten around to re-visiting people and places I love, to exploring places I hadn’t yet worked up the energy to visit. I’m grateful for the deadline that tells me I only have a few more moments to squeeze out what Florida has to offer.

I’m happy that amid the chaos of packing and uncertainty and early 20s crisis, I can find so many things to be happy about.